am i bubbly?

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Words cannot even begin to describe the breath-taking view that we saw in
our recent escapade.
Whoever said Kuching is boring are silly-billy; they obviously haven’t seen
anything like I did. Love at first sight it is, and I can fall in love over and
over again everytime I visit Kuching; the people, the place, the food, the
hospitality and even the time seemed to pass by slower as I lay myself on its’
sandy beach just breathing in the sea breeze and watching the waves sweeping
the tiny grains of sand off my feet.
It was at first a trip to see the all too famous Rainforest Music Festival that
everyone is talking about; but we ended up missing it by arriving at about 10pm
Saturday night and obviously tickets were not for sale anymore. Suffice to say
that we cannot make it for Sunday night because we had to catch the bus back to
where we came from and continue on with our daily routine. We did manage to
catch glimpse of the fest, lots of sexy hot babes to ogle about; and funny
looking men who thinks 9 people sitting in a CRV is weird and ended up taking
pictures of us cramped in it. Not much happened after that, so we went to Damai
beach and stroll along while picking up bits of sand with our feet and let it
be swept away.
And oh, we were at Damai Puri before that, and we sat on our favourite chair
and played with feet; because with feet was how it all started. ;D
I didn’t like salt water going into my nose; I didn’t like suntan lotion going
into my eyes when I played with the water; I didn’t like wind blowing my hair
all over the place and making it impossible to comb with my hands; I didn’t
like having being pushed away by the waves and not able to wade over to where I
want to be; I didn’t like the sandflies bitting me and having to scratch them
till they pop up like huge bubbles and still wanting to scratch them. But all
this is good, because I love being on the beach, and if being on the beach
means I have suffer all this, then by all means.
Why? Because I like the hammock; and because I like the not so tasty takeaway
food shared with people I care about; and because I like sitting on the beach
and do absolutely nothing besides staring at each other; and because I like
taking pictures and have my pictures taken to show the little bit of kodak
moment which can only be expressed in pictures.
On a side note though, I think Kuching is made special just because of you.
I’m nice to people in general. But sometimes I care too much; and I think you
are correct in saying I shouldn’t be nice to everyone. There are many different
levels of friends. And I cannot expect everyone to be on the highest level and
that there will always be selfish people around who only care about their own
happiness.
Because I care too much, about big things and little things; it angers and
hurts me inside that my genuine support and concern is taken lightly or used
against me, and recent event have me feel that caring is so tiring and not
worth the hurt.
But then I am reminded that I have people who actually appreciate my concern
and will never misuse my care, who are important to me, and whom I am important
to.
These are the people who remind me that kindness is what makes the world go
round. and these are the people i will always and forever pour all my care and
love into.

……Crayons.
I like crayons, even if they’re not edible.
Just lost my train of thoughts; will come back later. =S

Facebook always have the nicest stickers, and this one I like.
‘Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together’. Which is so true.
Last 2 months have been very difficult for me, that’s why sometimes I tell people I’d rather not care about anyone at all. It hurts, it hurts a lot when people take you for granted, it hurts when people cheat on you right in your face and yet you still fall for it; it hurts when those people pretend to care about you only but the truth is they’re toying with your emotions; it hurts when people tell lies and it hurts even more when you realise that despite all this bitterness you cannot do anything about it.

My hands are tied against my will and lips glued. I hate this phase the most, to be used and toy with; I want to move on and leave everything behind. There are times when I cannot help but think I’m really stupid and blind for not being able to see what’s right in front of me.

It has been a very long May and June for me, my to-do list has gone from one page to a whole note-book long with scribbled pages and ink everywhere.
I want to sleep it all away, but constantly kept awake by these thoughts of meeting deadlines and how my emotions all went down the drain like holding ice-creams in your hands.
I wish I didn’t get hurt so easily, its becoming so hard to care about people when they all seem caustic and uncaring. I feel tired and restless.

But that was May and June.
Now its July, despite having no holidays whatsoever, it happens to be my favourite month and many favourite people I know are born in this month. I know I can’t always be happy, my fears and insecurities which happens very often after having being disappointed so many times have made me build a wall around to shield myself. I want a lot of things, so I try to think positive and I’m glad I did. ;D

I’ve always believed that love, essentially, is loving the other person more than you love yourself; putting their happiness before your own. it is measured by how much you are willing to sacrifice for the other. it is big things like trying your very best to become a kinder, more patient, more thoughtful person so that you can make her happy, and it is small things like missing your sleep just so you can spend more time with him talking about everything and anything. Communication is important, which I’m glad that’s something we share in common. Of course, there are a lot of things which we share in common, a list which is endless.

I seemed to have missed some life lessons which prevent me from learning to pick the right guys from the wrong ones, and I don’t think that has changed much. And I am lucky you found me, really. The bumper sticker I told you about, having a boy kicking ass when his girl is being bullied is the kind of boy I can only dream about but now…..

I remember vividly when I hold my sandals one in each hands in the rain, and dragged myself with a heavy heart; about to falter and cry; you sat quietly in one corner while I pour out my resentments and bitterness, and when I was out of breath you tried really hard to cheer me up and we end up talking about cupboards and more cupboards and sitting in it and I forgot to cry anymore.

Oh and one more thing, I always believed my friends’ judgement; like mums and dads they always knows best. I know I told you this, but I can still remember the look on your face when I told you how many people actually took a liking to you and are willing to pair us up. *shy*

I shall go thank the Boss for telling me to go on the trip which cost RM9.90 One Way which has inadvertently given me one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.
And to the girl I am so close to, you no longer have to worry your poor self about me so much anymore. Maybe just a little would be fine, because Yakuza is here.

I’ll see you in 10 days time alright? Meanwhile, I’ll be in safe hands. Do check up on me from time to time. A miscall a day would be fine.
Just because I won’t be seeing doesn’t mean I won’t miss you.
Just because you’re leaving doesn’t mean I have to be sad and be moping about it.
Just because I’m usually lazy doesn’t mean I won’t eat my meals at the right times.
Just because you’re far away doesn’t mean I can forget about all your nagging which helps keep my life in order.

I shall, be thinking about you very often.

And to You, I heart* you the most. =D

To be given an answer; which I already know. I know the answer and yet I still insist on you telling, and yeah, its going to be difficult on me.
I could cry a millions times and it still won’t heal at this point of time. I could try to be cheerful and happy but the smile just won’t be sincere enough. I could pretend to not care at all but inside I’m suffering the ache and pain. I could tell myself over and over again that I won’t wait anymore but it just wouldn’t listen. I want to say I’m Okay and fall down flat the next hoping I’d be picked up and my bruised knee brushed and my head patted. I want to capture every moment in words and pictures and hide them under my pillow so that I could wake up in the middle of the night and look at them hoping it’ll put me back to sleep. The thought of not having anymore memories scares me, its slipping away from my fingers as I write. I don’t have a proper memory bank; things are all over the place and I forget things as easily as an Alzheimer patient.
You surprise me one too many times; there were times when I cannot comprehend; like when you refused to speak to me just to see my cheeks flushed and hot with anger; and when you tell me you could make me miss my flight just like that; and when you tell me to walk myself to the mental hospital in a town which I’m at for the very first time which is also so far away.
Yes, you can do all that, you might as well be the one person who can hurt me the most emotionally. Its how I read the signs that you give me that determines how angry or happy I can be, because I know why you did all that. No, you’re not driving me away; in fact, I’m so close that I could hardly breathe.
Just so you know, falling asleep when you’re around is what I like best. Why? because that’s when I catch you off- guard; a tighter grip on my fingers, a fuzzy hug and an occasional peck on my cheek, and that smile you have when you have our arms wrapped together. You thought I didn’t know? I did.
And it made me all warm and snug inside.

Comfort isn’t exactly the word I’d use to describe where I am now. But I am content, to have good, concerned and awesome friends who are the best listeners that having them around makes this place worth living in.
I remember my first day here, (and to a certain someone I know ;), I did not wear skirt to the hangar!) its not very often that I travel, let alone traveling all by myself. But I’m getting used to it, and its kind of exciting.

I was a mouse, never dared to let out a squeak in case anyone hears me, feeling a little dazed, a little scared and a little bit self-conscious. I saw an old friend, glad that I am; its still a shock having to stand in front of your schoolmate after such a long time. I went for the interview, letter of offer was given and voila! Here I am now.
6 months it has been, totally unexpected people who became great friends of mine. I had a rough week, vicious and when I say a rough week, It Is Very.
These people not only patted me on my back, lend All their ears to hear me rant and cry and curse ( Sorry!), watch horror movie with me even though they themselves were scared shit, didn’t even cover their ears when I shouted like a mad woman and there’s a high chance that I’ve made them temporarily deaf, a friendly hug, joked like there’s no tomorrow to cheer me up, tried to make me tipsy and told me not to sweat the small stuff, put on the silly RM1.99 mask to cover my puffy eyes and gave me a party hat, smiled for me and nice things like that.
I know bad things happened occasionally, and most times they come all together and pulls you down. The good part is that, you know you can count on someone to pull you back up, and higher. And the best part is, there’s not only One of them.
Them, I love. Till the day after forever and ever.

Wheeee! hurdle passed.
People have been telling me things I don’t want to hear; I see things I don’t want to see; I feel emotions which makes me want to falter; I almost did.
And you know what? The bedspread. I thank You for that.

So yeah, hurdle passed.

what’s next? I’m ready ready ready!

It’s one of those days again. When waking up is such a dread. What’s your problem anyway?
I’ve just been thinking too much. About things that shouldn’t be making me angry but are. What should I do?
I want to be brave; at least I try to be.  Sometimes life makes you wonder, as you go along, whether those decisions that you’ve made will affect you much more than you’d expect.  Because things don’t just automagically disappear you know; it lingers. It lingers and at the time when you least expect it, it comes back and hit you so hard you won’t even have time to react.
For instance, I made a decision, because at that time it seemed like the right thing to do. It’s what’s best for them, it hurt for a while and then the pain will be gone.
Ignorance is bliss, some part of it holds true, the lesser you know, the better. I know you won’t believe a word I say, much less listen. I have evidence, evidence which I keep with me, just in case things like this happens and don’t push me because I will retaliate. I never liked being in situations where I have to choose to lose; but sometimes these are the decisions we have to make.  Because whether we like it or not, the greatest reward comes from doing the things that scares you the most. I am content with my decision and I will stick by it, don’t like it? Leave. Go away. Stop pretending for a moment there that you know me; you hardly spoke even 2 sentences to me and you’re name calling now? Sheesh.  And people say I’m immature; look at me now.
Stop looking for errors in other people; there isn’t anyone so perfect that you cannot find fault.

It has been an unusually difficult day. I just have to keep telling myself that and I will be okay.

I would like to talk about it but it always comes out wrong. I don’t want to have to make the same wrong decision again and again. I can’t make right spontaneous decision even if my life depended on it, seriously. Indecisive; bad judgement; recklessness; plain emotion; or love?

I see things which I don’t want to see. The bagpack I brought has it’s content emptied on my floor, untouched since I arrived on friday. Its not that I’m a messy person; I hadn’t even had time to pause for a moment and I feel like the content of my bagpack. Scattered on the floor and no one to pick it up. And people stepping Over them; stepping On them; its a sad scene really.

I need sleep. So I made myself lie down on the bed, staring on the top bunk. Just staring.

Within seconds, I had tried to rush up because my name was yelled and I hit my ankle. Bloody stairs. Look now, I have a bruised ankle, a bruised heart. Swollen like a blowfish.

Poor ankle. Poor, poor heart. 

And oh, Happy Mother’s Day. To Granma and Mummy. With Loads of Love and Carnations.

And to You, I hold you close, in my heart.

I’m usually without a filter.

But sometimes, I felt as if there’s this sort of filter, if you wish, that held things back from my deeper recesses of feelings.

Oh I can feel happy, sad, content, depressed, the usual ennui of a teenager or a young adult.

Smorgasbord of varying emotions, the aww of cuteness, the breatheless before great beauty, or the sacredness of love.

I wish to tell. Somebody please turn this filter off! When I don’t need it; it’s on, gah.